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Update: Danny got a little cranky with me during the interview, but she’s agreed to answer a few more questions. Ask her something via the comment section and I’ll pick a random commenter for a free query critique. Let’s call the deadline 27 June at 1700 EDT, okay?

In a rare interview, the reclusive wanderer Dr. Daniela Francesca Jones (of LUCKY THIRTEEN) agreed to answer some of my questions.

We met in a dark bar (naturally) in one of Washington DC’s seedier neighbourhoods.

You seem to dislike men. Are you a misandrist?

No. I’m a misanthrope. I don’t discriminate based on gender.

You say ‘cazzo’ a lot. What does that mean?

It’s an Italian expletive. The literal translation is ‘cock.’ As in the male sexual organ, not the farm animal. Think of it as having the same functionality as ‘fuck’ does in English.

Speaking of expletives, we don’t hear them very often from you or anyone else you know. What’s up with that?

Just because you don’t hear them doesn’t mean I don’t say them.

You have a shoe and handbag fixation. Isn’t that a bit stereotypical?

No. I have a Ferragamo fixation. I don’t give a shit about shoes and handbags in the general sense.

Why Ferragamo? Why not Gucci or Vuitton or Prada?

Ever seen a knock-off Ferragamo bag? Of course you haven’t. People don’t waste their time copying something that isn’t recognisable. I’m interested in quality and quiet, not showiness.

Are you a lesbian or a bisexual?

I’m a woman, actually.

But you sleep with other women…

Yep. Got a problem with that?

Can you tell us why you don’t want go to bed with men?

Who said I didn’t want to go to bed with men? I like men. Not sleeping with them and not wanting to sleep with them aren’t the same thing, are they?

Does it have to do with your fiancé, Joe, being brutally murdered?

Yes.

Would you like to talk about Joe?

No.

You drink a lot of bourbon. Are you an…

Alcoholic? No. There are enough alcoholic characters out there already. I just like bourbon.

We know your mother is from Italy. What about your father, Captain Mark Jones? We’ve heard he’s African American.

I think you mean ‘was’ in both instances. They’re dead. As for my father, does it matter?

How many languages do you speak?

Christ, not that one again. I’m a linguist, not a polyglot.

Is there a difference?

Is there a difference between an auto mechanic and someone who drives a lot of cars?

So linguists know about the inside workings of language?

Exactly. Polyglots don’t.

Your linguistic background has come in pretty handy so far, hasn’t it?

If you consider ‘handy’ to mean that I rescued a young woman from a psychopath who was slowly killing her, yeah, I guess it did.

While we’re on the subject of linguistics, what’s with that alphabet thing you do?

I recite alphabets when I’m stressed. You, from the looks of it, bite your nails.

There’s a scene with you and Jane when you’re, uh, using the Greek alphabet in foreplay. Want to tell us about that?

Want a palm punch to your Adam’s apple?

Sorry. We hear you’re on your way to Italy in a few days to check out the Neapolitan Camorra. How are you preparing for the trip?

First of all, don’t use that word in a sentence. Ever. Let’s just call it The System, okay? As for preparations, I’ve had to work on my Neapolitan. And figure out a way to smuggle in my handguns.

Are you afraid of the…um…The System?

Very. If you knew anything about it, you would be too.

Okay, how about something a little more lighthearted? Are you really able to pick up a 500-pound motorcycle by yourself?

Yep. Are you?

Um, no. We’re told your former professor left you quite a bit of money when he died. Can you give us a ballpark figure?

How many zeroes can you write?

What are your plans for the money?

Buying an uninhabited island is up there. Preferably one with no journalists or bloggers. But in the short term, I’d like a 1954 Vincent Black Prince. It’s a motorcycle.

Some people have referred to you as ‘unlikable.’ What would you say to them?

Something that rhymes with va fa’ in culo. Seriously, though. Me, unlikable? What’s not to like? I’m smart, not too hard to look at, and I go after bad guys. My friends like me. All three of them.

Is it true you don’t have a cell phone?

No. I have one. It’s at home, probably uncharged.

Before we wrap things up, how about I ask you a few fun questions?

Do you have to? Just kidding. Fire away.

What’s your favourite television show?

I don’t have television.

If you could take four people on a camping trip, who would they be?

Can’t I just go alone?

Do you have a favourite flavour of ice cream?

Hazelnut.

They don’t make hazelnut ice cream.

They do in Italy.

Favourite band?

Rubber. Extremely useful invention.

Okay. That’s about all the time we have. Anything else you’d like to say?

Can I go now?

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